Dinner Theater at the Airport Security Checkpoint

I was just a fly on the wall for this little sweetheart. Granted it is 6am and people’s brains really have not begun to work yet. The Portland airport is small and they only have one security check point working this morning. A line of what seems to be all amateur travelers are waiting patiently. Before I head to the check point I hear over the speaker an announcer reminding people to take all liquid, gels etc… must be placed in a clear zip locked bag and placed in the security bin over and over again. This had once happened to me when this first implemented the rule. They search your bag; take out all my stolen hotel shampoo and soap. The airport was gracious enough to put in a zip lock back and push it through. At that time the zip lock bag was new and what a hassle it is to take that stuff out through the security checkpoint with a rush of impatient people behind you. So remember if you can put all your toiletries in the checked bag. If you carry it on, everyone will see what you’re using in the special place by the parceling pot.

The security guard shouts out, “Take all metal out of your pockets, take off your shoes, hold on to your boarding passes, take out the zip lock bag!” While standing in line I hear this call several times. I don’t know if people think if they are quiet they’ll be able to slip by unnoticed? Or this is their first time on a plane? I figure they just are too caught up they just don’t listen. I’ll believe it’s a combination of the three.

As we all wait people are being called out about their toiletries, their boarding passes and taking everything out of their pockets. They do listen to taking off their shoes, which I find odd, but they ignore everything else. I’ve already put everything from my pockets in my bag before the line. I take out my laptop and put it in the bin. My shoes are untied and ready to be removed when it’s time. I’m all set and ready to go through, but then a nice surprise occurs in front of me.

A couple my age, both beautiful yuppies prepare to go through the line. The woman is drinking bottled water and the security guard tells her she can’t carry that through. She takes a few gulps and throws it away. In the woman’s bin she took out two small bottles of what looks like perfume and something else. The security guard says she cannot not carry that through unless she has a zip lock bag, she replies, “It’s okay, it’s in my purse.” That’s not working for the security guard and her husband who’s becoming a bit impatient tries to compromise. The security guard repeats you either need a zip lock bag or throw it out. The husband then takes the perfume and whatever the other stuff was and starts to throw it away. The woman stops him. The woman can’t seem to understand her two options and granted the rule is a little over the top in my opinion and if you don’t know, who brings a zip lock bag but I know they do have some when they check your ID at the beginning of the line. Still whatever sentimental value the perfume may have she’s still making a scene. Of course I’m a huge fan of the dramatics of people that throw tantrums in public so I wait patiently watching the drama unfold. The woman is pissed and trying to find a way to compromise with the airport security and then with a quick stealth move catching the wife off guard throws the contents in the trash. I was impressed by his skills. The woman explodes at him. She keeps asking him, “Why didn’t you tell me?” repeating the statement in different ways. You didn’t tell me I had to do this etc. In my head sticking up for the guy because he had some mad skills and was prepared to take the heat, Baby, you’re a grown woman take the initiative! The man tries to console her by touching her back and she forcefully pulls away silently yelling, “Don’t you touch me.” The security guard then tells the man to get his boarding pass out of the bin and carry it through. The woman moves through the checkpoint pissed. The man follows close behind but is stopped. Apparently he didn’t take everything out of his pockets. So my admiration for his swift mad skills begins to dissipate. He has to go back to the security guard, which gives me the opportunity to zip through just fine. It’s kinda like why does it take people twenty minutes at an ATM when it only takes me 30 seconds?

I grab my stuff and start walking. I pass by the woman whose luggage is now being searched. She calls out for her husband, which at first thought he was I but still trying to get through security. Another old security guard is shifting through all her belongings taking out bottles of stuff. The husband stops and checks in on what is going on. The woman is now balling her eyes out. You would think I would have sympathy for this woman but I really think she was an ignorant spoiled brat who can’t think for her self and relies heavily on material things and blames everyone else but her self. So I diagnosed her with Borderline Personality Disorder and moved on.

I looked back one more time and I noticed something. I don’t know if this is mean for me to say, but the wife was standing alone crying as the guard continued to search her stuff, the husband nowhere in sight, I am left with a sweet sense of justice.

Dinner theater was served!

BE COOL!!!!


I received a welcome home gift that was a fairly large crack in my car windshield. Sigh….I have nothing else to say. I want pizza.

In 48 hours I’ll be in the city I hate the most…I so can’t wait.